Fireman Sex

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.

"From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked. When say BELL 2, I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3, we are going to make love all night."

The next night he came home from work and yelled, "BELL 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off. When he yelled "BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled "BELL 3!", they began making love. After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!" "What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband?

"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied, "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE."

Medical Miracle.

An 80 year woman married an 85-year-old man. After about six months together, the woman wasn't feeling well and she went to her doctor.



The doctor examined and said, "Congratulations Mrs. Jones, you're going to be a mother."



"Get serious doctor, I'm 80."



"I know," said the doctor, "This morning, I would have said it was impossible, but this afternoon you are a medical miracle."



"I'll be darned," she replied and stormed out of the office. She walked down the hall and around the corner to where the telephones were. In a rage, she dialed her husband. 


"Hello" she heard in his familiar halting voice.



She screamed, "You rotten SOB. You got me pregnant!"



There was a pause on the line. Finally, her husband answered, "Who's calling please?."

Tech Support

Here are some conversations that actually happened between help desk people and their customers.



Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print a document, but the computer won't boot properly."

Tech Support: "What does it say?"

Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."

Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"

Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."



Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24 hours."

Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"



Tech Support: "Ok, now click your left mouse button."

Customer: (silence) "But I only have one mouse."



Customer: "Excuse me can I use this disk? It has a hole in it.



Tech Support: "Do you have 3 1/2 inch diskettes?"

Customer: "No, I only have 3 of them."



Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."

Customer: "O! k."

Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"

Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."



Customer: "Now what do I do?"

Tech Support: "What is the prompt on the screen?"

Customer: "It's asking for 'Enter Your Last Name.'"

Tech Support: "Ok, so type in your last name."

Customer: "How do you spell that?"



Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message."

Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"

Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"

The Truth.

Ladies and gentlemen, hobos and tramps,

Bug-eyed mosquitoes and bowlegged ants!

I'm about to tell you a story I've never heard before,

So pull up a chair and sit on the floor.

Admission is free, so pay at the door.

One fine day, in the middle of the night,

two, dead boys got up to fight.

Back to back, they faced each other,

drew their swords and shot each other.

A deaf policeman heard the noise,

and saved the lives of the two dead boys.

If you don't believe my lies are true,

ask the blind man, he saw it too!

The Top Ten Differences Between Cats & Dogs.

The Top Ten Differences Between Cats & Dogs:













10. Dogs come when you call them. Cats take a message and get back to you when they are good and ready.






9. Dogs will let you give them a bath without taking out a contract on your life.






8. Dogs will bark to wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will quietly sneak out the back door.






7. Dogs will bring you your slippers or the evening newspaper.Cats might bring you a dead mouse.






6. Dogs will play Frisbee with you all afternoon. Cats will take a three-hour nap.






5. Dogs will sit on the car seat next to you. Cats have to have their own private box or they will not go at all.






4. Dogs will greet you and lick your face when you come home from work. Cats will be mad that you went to work at all.






3. Dogs will sit, lie down, and heel on command. Cats will smirk and walk away.






2. Dogs will tilt their heads and listen whenever you talk. Cats will yawn and close their eyes.






1. Dogs will give you unconditional love forever. Cats will make you pay for every mistake you've ever made since the day you were born.

Explanation of Microsoft computer messages

It says: "Press Any Key"



It means: "Press any key you like but I'm not moving."



It says: "Press A Key"



(This one's a programmers joke. Nothing happens unless you press the "A" key.)



It says: "Fatal Error. Please contact technical support quoting error



no. 1A4-2546512430E" It means: "... where you will be kept on hold for 10 minutes, only to be told that it's a hardware problem."



It says: "Installing program to C:\...."



It means: "... And I'll also be writing a few files into c:\windows and c:\windows\system where you'll NEVER find them."



It says: "Please insert disk 11"



It means: "Because I know darn well there are only 10 disks."



It says: "Not enough memory"



It means: "I don't CARE if you've got 64MB of RAM, I want to use the bit below 640K."



It says: "Cannot read from drive D:...."



It means: "... However, if you put the CD in correct side up..."



It says: "Please Wait...."



It means: "... Indefinitely."



It says: "Directory does not exist...."



It means: ".... any more. Whoops."



It says: "The application caused an error. Choose Ignore or Close."



It means: ".... Makes no difference to me, you're still not getting your work back."

Honesty !!!

An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. She began to interview young lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an 'honest' lawyer?"

 

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."

 

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"

 

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."