A turtle was walking through the park when two snails attacked, punched, kicked, and stole his wallet. The police arrived and asked, “What happen to you, were you attacked, were you robbed?” The turtle on his back, bruised, with one eye shut, said "I don't know officer, it happen so Fast"
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The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?" the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No.
"Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes", came the answer."May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No".
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.
"Is there anyone there besides you?" the boss asked the child.
"Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman.
"Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.
Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper.
"Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, "Why are they there?
"Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, "They're looking for me."
Kind Words.
A man walked into a restaurant in a strange town.
The waiter came over and asked him for his order.
I'm feeling lonely, he replied, "so what I'd really like is some meat loaf and a kind word.
"The waiter returned with the meat loaf, set it down on the table and began to walk away.
The man asked, "Where's the kind word?"
The waiter stopped, sighed, bent down, and whispered, "Don't eat the meat loaf."
Tactical Wife.
A tactical wife is one who makes sure she spends so much on herself that her husband can't afford another woman.
Women are Equal !!!
A heartwarming story of the advances of women in achieving equality throughout the world...
Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in The Middle East several years before the Gulf War. She noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands.She returned to the region recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives.
Ms. Walters approached one of the women and said, "This is marvelous. Can you tell the free world just what enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?"
"Land mines," said the woman.
Bad Luck !
This woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What dear," she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck..."
Warranty ?
A quality engineer married an average girl...
After a tough life with her for two years, he ended with his patienceand finally wrote a note to his father in law...
Your Product Not Meeting my requirements. .
The smart father in law replied..Warranty Expired.... Manufacturer not responsible.
The Rescue
One day, three boys were walking over a bridge when they heard a guy yelling for help. It was President Bush. He was drowning, and the three boys rescued him. He thanked them dearly and promised them whatever they wanted as a reward.
The first boy wanted $10,000, so Bush gave him the money. The second boy wanted a Ferrari, so Bush gave the boy a Ferrari.
The third boy wanted a wheelchair, Bush said, "Why do you want one of those, son, you're not handicapped." The boy replied, "I will be when my dad finds out whose life I saved."
The first boy wanted $10,000, so Bush gave him the money. The second boy wanted a Ferrari, so Bush gave the boy a Ferrari.
The third boy wanted a wheelchair, Bush said, "Why do you want one of those, son, you're not handicapped." The boy replied, "I will be when my dad finds out whose life I saved."
Teacher !
Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"
"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"
"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."
"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!"
Thanks Giving !
An old man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about," the son screams."We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man said. "We're sick and tired of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." And he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like heck they're getting a divorce," she shouts. "I'll take care of this."
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and she hangs up.
The old man hangs up the phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving AND paying their own way!"
Papers, How Long to keep.
Investment certificates: Until sold.
Credit card account numbers: Until updated.
Credit card statements: 7-years.
Household inventory: Until updated.
Will: Until updated.
Divorce papers: Forever.
Social Security Card: Forever and do not carry it with you, store it a safe place.
Birth Certificate: Forever.
Vehicle title: Until vehicle is sold.
Mortgage records, R.E. deeds: As long as active.
Contracts: As long as active.
Investment records: 7-years after year of sale.
Income tax records: 7-years.
Bank statements: 7-years.
Cancel checks: 7-years.
Utility bills: 1-year.
Paid bills for flexible expenses: 1-year.
Credit card account numbers: Until updated.
Credit card statements: 7-years.
Household inventory: Until updated.
Will: Until updated.
Divorce papers: Forever.
Social Security Card: Forever and do not carry it with you, store it a safe place.
Birth Certificate: Forever.
Vehicle title: Until vehicle is sold.
Mortgage records, R.E. deeds: As long as active.
Contracts: As long as active.
Investment records: 7-years after year of sale.
Income tax records: 7-years.
Bank statements: 7-years.
Cancel checks: 7-years.
Utility bills: 1-year.
Paid bills for flexible expenses: 1-year.
Laws Of Parenting.
1. The later you stay up, the earlier your child will wake up the next morning.
2. For a child to become clean, something else must become dirty.
3. Toys multiply to fill any space available.
4. The longer it takes you to make a meal, the less your child will like it.
5. Yours is always the only child who doesn't behave.
6. If the shoe fits... it's expensive.
7. The surest way to get something done is to tell a child not to do it.
8. The gooier the food, the more likely it is to end up on the carpet.
9. Backing the car out of the driveway causes your child to have to go to the bathroom.
2. For a child to become clean, something else must become dirty.
3. Toys multiply to fill any space available.
4. The longer it takes you to make a meal, the less your child will like it.
5. Yours is always the only child who doesn't behave.
6. If the shoe fits... it's expensive.
7. The surest way to get something done is to tell a child not to do it.
8. The gooier the food, the more likely it is to end up on the carpet.
9. Backing the car out of the driveway causes your child to have to go to the bathroom.
Management theory "thats intelligence".
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his Customer,"This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a five rupee coin in one hand and two one rupee coins(1+1=2) in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"
The boy takes the two one rupee coins and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber.
"That kid never learns!" Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.
"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take two one rupee coins instead of five rupee coin?
"The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because THE DAY I TAKE THE FIVE RUPEE COIN, THE GAME IS OVER .
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Moral: When you think the other person is dumb, you are making a fool of yourself.
Honest Answers In an Interview !
Q1. Why did you apply for this job?
Ans: I have applied for many jobs along with this one and it’s just that you called me first.
Q2. Why do you want to work for this company?
Ans: I have to work for some company, whoever gives me a job, I don't have any specific company in mind.
3. Why should I hire you?
Ans: You have to hire some one, you may give me a try.
4. What would you do if this happened?
Ans: Well, it depends on my mindset and mood in that situation...
5. What is your biggest strength?
Ans: I dare to join any company who pays me well, without thinking about the fate of company. 6. What is your biggest weakness?
Ans: Girls
7. What was your worst mistake and how did you learn from it?
Ans: Joining my earlier company and I learnt that I need to switch my job to get more money, so I am here today.
8. What accomplishments in your last position are you most proud of?
Ans: Had I accomplished any in my last position, why do I need to change my job? I could demand more and stay there.
9. Describe a challenge that you faced and how did you overcome it?
Ans: Biggest challenge is answering the question "why are you looking for a change" and I started blabbering irrelevantly to overcome that.
10. Why did you leave/ are you leaving your last job?
Ans: For the same reason why you left your previous job.
11. What do you want from this job?
Ans: No work and good hikes.
12. What are your career goals and how do you plan to achieve them?
Ans: Making more money and for that I keep switching jobs every two years.
13. What do you know about our company?
Ans: I knew you will ask me this question. So, I've gone through your website.
14. What salary are you expecting?
Ans: Well, no one will change his job for the same salary, hence, give me 20% extra than what I am getting right now. I know you will bargain on whatever I ask. So I have already hiked my current salary by 30%.
Some Nice One Liners........
Here are some nice one liners..:
1. I say no to alcohol, it just doesn't listen.
2. A friend in need is a pest indeed.
3. Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.
4. Work is fine if it doesn't take too much of your time.
5. When everything comes in your way you're in the wrong lane.
6. The light at the end of the tunnel may be an incoming train..
7. Born free, taxed to death.
8. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
9. Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.
10. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
11. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.
12. It's not hard to meet expenses, they are everywhere.
13. I love being a writer... what I can't stand is the paperwork.
14. A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
15. The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.
16. The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.
17. In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?
18. If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?
19. Beat the 5 O'clock rush, leave work at noon!
20. If you can't convince them, confuse them.
21. It's not the fall that kills you. It's the sudden stop at the end.
22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
23. Hot glass looks same as cold glass. - Cunino's Law of Burnt Fingers.
24. The cigarette does the smoking you are just the sucker.
25. Someday is not a day of the week.
26. Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
27. To Err is human, to forgive is not a Company policy.
28. The road to success.... Is always under construction.
29. Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk.
1. I say no to alcohol, it just doesn't listen.
2. A friend in need is a pest indeed.
3. Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.
4. Work is fine if it doesn't take too much of your time.
5. When everything comes in your way you're in the wrong lane.
6. The light at the end of the tunnel may be an incoming train..
7. Born free, taxed to death.
8. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
9. Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.
10. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
11. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.
12. It's not hard to meet expenses, they are everywhere.
13. I love being a writer... what I can't stand is the paperwork.
14. A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
15. The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.
16. The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.
17. In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?
18. If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?
19. Beat the 5 O'clock rush, leave work at noon!
20. If you can't convince them, confuse them.
21. It's not the fall that kills you. It's the sudden stop at the end.
22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
23. Hot glass looks same as cold glass. - Cunino's Law of Burnt Fingers.
24. The cigarette does the smoking you are just the sucker.
25. Someday is not a day of the week.
26. Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
27. To Err is human, to forgive is not a Company policy.
28. The road to success.... Is always under construction.
29. Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk.
Why the US is in crisis...??? ...... ...!!!!!
An Israeli doctor says, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'
A German doctor says 'That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.
The Russian doctor says 'In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'
An American Texas doctor, not to be outdone, says 'You guys are way behind, we recently took a man with no brains out of Texas, put him in the White House for eight years, and now half the country is looking for work.
Man with no bad habits !!!
Once a man was waiting for a taxi.
A beggar came along and asked him for some money. The man ignored him. But being a professional, the beggar kept on pestering him. The man became irritated when he realized that the beggar would not leave him alone unless he parts with some money.
Suddenly an idea struck him.
He told the beggar, "I do not have money, but if you tell me what you want to do with the money, I will certainly help you.."
"I would have bought a cup of tea", replied the beggar. The man said, "Sorry man. I can offer you a cigarette instead of tea". He then took a pack of cigarettes from his pocket and offered one to the beggar..
The beggar told, "I don't smoke as it is injurious to health.
"The man smiled and took a bottle of whisky from his pocket and told the beggar, "Here, take this bottle and enjoy the stuff. It is really good".
The beggar refused by saying, "Alcohol muddles the brain and damages the liver".
The man smiled again. He told the beggar, "I am going to the race course. Come with me and I will arrange for some tickets and we will place bets. If we win, you take the whole amount and leave me alone".
As before, the beggar politely refused the latest offer by saying, "Sorry sir, I can't come with you as betting on horses is a bad habit."
Suddenly the man felt relieved and asked the beggar to come to his home with him. Finally, the beggar's face lit up in anticipation of receiving at least something from the man. But he still had his doubts and asked the man, "Why do you want me to go to your house with you".
The man replied, "My wife always wanted to see how a man with no bad habits looks like !!!
Invest Wisely !
If you purchased $1,000 of Delta Airlines stock 1 year ago,
you would have $49 today.
If you purchased $1,000 of AIG stock 1 year ago,
you would have $33 today.
If you purchased $1,000 of Lehman Brothers stock 1 year ago,
you would have $0.0 today.
But,
if you purchased $1,000 worth of BEER 1 year ago,
drank all of them,
returned the ALUMINIUM CANS for a recycling refund,
you would have $214.
INVEST WISELY...
you would have $49 today.
If you purchased $1,000 of AIG stock 1 year ago,
you would have $33 today.
If you purchased $1,000 of Lehman Brothers stock 1 year ago,
you would have $0.0 today.
But,
if you purchased $1,000 worth of BEER 1 year ago,
drank all of them,
returned the ALUMINIUM CANS for a recycling refund,
you would have $214.
INVEST WISELY...
Media and the End of the World
USA Today: WE'RE DEAD
The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS
National Enquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN
Playboy: GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE
Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE
Victoria's Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE
Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER
Wired: THE LAST NEW THING
Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR
Readers Digest: 'BYE
Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?
TV Guide: DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR!
Lady's Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGEMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW "ARMAGEDDON" DIET!
America Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.
Inc. magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE
The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS
National Enquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN
Playboy: GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE
Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE
Victoria's Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE
Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER
Wired: THE LAST NEW THING
Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR
Readers Digest: 'BYE
Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?
TV Guide: DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR!
Lady's Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGEMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW "ARMAGEDDON" DIET!
America Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.
Inc. magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE
50 Fun Things To Do at Wal-Mart
- Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
- Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
- Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
- Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join in.
- Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
- Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
- Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
- Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
- When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin narrow aisles.
- Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.
- Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10".
- Play with the automatic doors.
- Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I have! n't seen you in so long!..." etc.
- See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.
- While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this junk, anyway?"
- Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.
- Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive."
- Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away.
- Continue to do this until they leave the department.
- Play soccer with a group of friend, using the entire store as your playing field.
- As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!" Put M&M's on layaway.
- Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
- Set up a tent in the camping department;
- tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
- Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.
- Ask other customers if they! have any Grey Poupon.
- Drape a blanket around your shoul! ders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman.
- Come, Robin--to the Batcave!"
- TP as much of the store as possible.
- Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
- Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down.
- When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
- When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!"
- Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?"
- Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
- Take bets on the battle described above.
- Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
- Hold indoor shopping cart races.
- Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission: Impossible."
- Attempt to fit into very large gym bags. Attempt to fit others! into very large gym bags.
- Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?"
- Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
- Two words: "Marco Polo." Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.
- "Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.
- When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.
- Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
- When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"
- Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.
- Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax.
- If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
Inspirational Posters
Sayings That Should Be On Those Office Inspirational Posters:
- If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
- Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
- Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.
- A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.
- Plagiarism saves time.
- If at first you don't succeed, try management.
- Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
- TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.
- Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
- The beatings will continue until morale improves.
- Never! underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
- We waste time so you don't have to.
- Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
- Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
- A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
- When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
- INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
- Succeed in spite of management.
- Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.
Health - Important Tips
Answer the phone by LEFT ear .
Do not drink coffee TWICE a day.
Do not take pills with COOL water.
Do not have HUGE meals after 5pm.
Reduce the amount of OILY food you consume.
Drink more WATER in the morning, less at night.
Keep your distance from hand phone CHARGERS .
Do not use headphones/earphone for LONG period of time.
Best sleeping time is from 10pm at night to 6am in the morning .
Do not lie down immediately after taking medic! ine before sleeping.
When battery is down to the LAST grid/bar, do not answer the phone as the radiation is 1000 times.
Forward this to those whom you CARE about .
India Shines
This is not a story but a true incident that happened in USA.
An Indian man walked into a bank in New York City one day and asked for the loan officer.
He told the loan officer that he was going to India on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan. The Indian man handed over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produced the title and everything checked out.
The loan officer agreed to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Indian for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parked it there...
Two weeks later, the Indian returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest, which came to $15...41.
The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow "$5,000"
The Indian replied: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return'"
Ah, the brain of the Indians..... This is why India is shining. .
An Indian man walked into a bank in New York City one day and asked for the loan officer.
He told the loan officer that he was going to India on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan. The Indian man handed over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produced the title and everything checked out.
The loan officer agreed to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Indian for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parked it there...
Two weeks later, the Indian returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest, which came to $15...41.
The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow "$5,000"
The Indian replied: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return'"
Ah, the brain of the Indians..... This is why India is shining. .
Top One liners!
- Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left.
- Do you have trouble making up your mind? Well, yes or no?
- Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more(friendship or money)
- Death is hereditary.
- An expert is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.
- Many things can be preserved in alcohol. Dignity is not one of them.
- When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.
- Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.
- Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
- Experience is what a comb gives you after you lose your hair.
- Well done is better than well said.
- Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make them when nobody islooking.
- They say hard work never hurts anybody, but why take the chance.
- I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.
- Where there's a will, there are five hundred relatives.
- I have a drinking problem - I can't afford it.
- Good girls go to heaven. Bad girls go anywhere!
- Love thy neighbour, but be sure her husband is away.
- Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding.
- I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
- When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlookedsomething.
- Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
- I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
- Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
- For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
- Skill is successfully walking a tightrope over Niagara Falls.
- Intelligence is not trying.
Ghosts !
Flowers die..........,
Stories end......... .,
Songs fade........ ..,
Memories are forgotten... .,
All things come to an end,
But people like you,
Always remain forever,
B'cozzzzzzzzzzzz.....
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GHOSTs NEVER DIE......!!! !
Hahaha!!!!!!!!!!!
Stories end......... .,
Songs fade........ ..,
Memories are forgotten... .,
All things come to an end,
But people like you,
Always remain forever,
B'cozzzzzzzzzzzz.....
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GHOSTs NEVER DIE......!!! !
Hahaha!!!!!!!!!!!
100 Reasons Why It's Great To Be A Woman
1. Working / Earning not mandatory.
2. We never have to buy our own drinks at the bar.
3. We don't have to bother on mobile bills.
4. We get out of speeding tickets by crying.
5. We don't have to stand on the queue to get tickets.
6. We can sleep our way to the top of the class.
7. We don't have to worry about the purse when we shop with men.
8. We can marry rich and then not have to work.
9. We never have to pay when we go out on dates.
10. Men take us on all expense paid trips.
11. We always get place to sit when using public transport.
12. Easy to get a ride.
13. Men hold the door open for us.
14. Jewels looks good on us.
15. We lie better.
16. We're better manipulators.
17. We always end up sleeping in the bed when we fight with our other halves - you guys get the couch.
18. We always have food in the fridge.
19. We don't worry about losing our hair.
20. We always get to choose the movie.
21. We don't have to mow the lawn.
22. We don't have to take out the garbage.
23. We don't have to paint the house or walls.
24. If we need to our boyfriends just a missed call is enough.
25. We can easily show our disappointments or disapprovals.
26. We can con our way out of anything - not just dig ourselves deeper into a hole.
27. Men unlock our side of the car first - a real bonus when its cold.
28. Even strangers shows care if we are in trouble. Men have to manage themselves.
29. Men are like tiles, lay 'em right the first time you can walk all over em forever.
30. We can cry in public. Men cant.
31. We don't feel shy to cry.
32. We don have worry if we lose the fight.
33. Sweat is sexy on us.
34. We never run out of excuses.
35. You guys may get to think about sex 200 times a day, but we could be having it that often.
36. We can borrow clothes or accessories from our friends.
37. We get expensive jewelry as gifts that we NEVER have to give back.
38. We get candy, flowers and jewelry all the time because men screw up so often.
39. We can give "the look" that will make any man want to cower in the corner.
40. Women are cleaner.
41. We know how to make up stories.
42. We're better arguers.
43. We don't always have to think with our genitals.
44. We don't have to worry if we are plump. Men still like us.
45. We're better parents.
46. We never have to sit home alone on a weekend night.
47. There's never a shortage of ready, willing, and able men.
48. We're flexible.
49. When women get upset, we don't destroy property or hurt people - we just take it out on the world in general because we can.
50. Easy to make friendships.
51. Much easy to get a date.
52. Men have to be in uniform.
53. We can do makeup anywhere.
54. If we do heavy purchase we don't have to carry those things. Men are there.
55. It generally takes us less to get drunk.
56. We have a higher tolerance to pain.
57. We often get to cut in line (Queue).
58. Most women actually look good in short shorts - men DON'T.
59. Better tips.
60. Women who don't wear underwear are considered sexy and wild, when men do it, it's rather disgusting.
61. We have mastered civilized eating - we don't embarrass our friends or make loud bodily noises in public.
62. Women can go a day without showering or shaving and not look or smell disgusting - thank heaven for long pants and perfume!
63. We can connive men into doing our homework, writing our papers or carrying our books anytime we want.
64. We don't have excessive amounts of body hair.
65. We don't spend 45 minutes on the toilet.
66. We don't bother if our IQ level is less. Just a smile is enough.
67. We are always smart.
68. We can throw a punch at a man and not get hit in return.
69. We don't have to lie to boast ourselves better.
70. Men walk on the side of the sidewalk closest to the road so that if a car hits us, he gets hurt not us.
71. Women sweat less.
72. Women smell better.
73. When women make their boyfriends mad, we don't have to waste money on flowers or cards.
74. Men are more often serial killers, thieves, rapists and cheats.
75. We don get charged if we tease men in public.
76. We can be late to the office.
77. We don't get embarrassed when buying tampons.
78. We're better gossips.
79. We have better fashion sense.
80. We're better shoppers.
81. We don't have to make fools out of ourselves to impress a man.
82. Our friends don't pick on us if we aren't sleeping with anyone.
83. Men don't know what our 'girl talk' is all about (and I'm not gonna tell you).
84. We're all sitting on a gold mine - we know it and use it to our extreme advantage.
85. We don't have to drive when on a date.
86. An ugly woman can use makeup and get a new hairdo to become presentable - ugly men are just ugly.
87. We can search for hours together in a shop not necessary to buy.
88. Don't have to maintain great physique.
89. Women look better naked.
90. We know that rhythm doesn't only pertain to dancing.
91. When women are short, we're petite. When men are short, they're just short.
92. Women do less time for violent crimes.
93. Women don't have to worry about not being able to get it up.
94. There are many hands to lift us when we slip to ground. Poor men they have to get up on their own.
95. And we don't have to feel shy about falling down.
96. Women's conversations generally consist of more than just "uh huh, yep ok then bye".
97. Women don't need an excuse to be in a bad mood.
98. The remote control is not an extension of ourselves.
99. Women are sexier.
100. We can get laid ANYTIME, ANYWHERE, ANY WAY we want it.........!
2. We never have to buy our own drinks at the bar.
3. We don't have to bother on mobile bills.
4. We get out of speeding tickets by crying.
5. We don't have to stand on the queue to get tickets.
6. We can sleep our way to the top of the class.
7. We don't have to worry about the purse when we shop with men.
8. We can marry rich and then not have to work.
9. We never have to pay when we go out on dates.
10. Men take us on all expense paid trips.
11. We always get place to sit when using public transport.
12. Easy to get a ride.
13. Men hold the door open for us.
14. Jewels looks good on us.
15. We lie better.
16. We're better manipulators.
17. We always end up sleeping in the bed when we fight with our other halves - you guys get the couch.
18. We always have food in the fridge.
19. We don't worry about losing our hair.
20. We always get to choose the movie.
21. We don't have to mow the lawn.
22. We don't have to take out the garbage.
23. We don't have to paint the house or walls.
24. If we need to our boyfriends just a missed call is enough.
25. We can easily show our disappointments or disapprovals.
26. We can con our way out of anything - not just dig ourselves deeper into a hole.
27. Men unlock our side of the car first - a real bonus when its cold.
28. Even strangers shows care if we are in trouble. Men have to manage themselves.
29. Men are like tiles, lay 'em right the first time you can walk all over em forever.
30. We can cry in public. Men cant.
31. We don't feel shy to cry.
32. We don have worry if we lose the fight.
33. Sweat is sexy on us.
34. We never run out of excuses.
35. You guys may get to think about sex 200 times a day, but we could be having it that often.
36. We can borrow clothes or accessories from our friends.
37. We get expensive jewelry as gifts that we NEVER have to give back.
38. We get candy, flowers and jewelry all the time because men screw up so often.
39. We can give "the look" that will make any man want to cower in the corner.
40. Women are cleaner.
41. We know how to make up stories.
42. We're better arguers.
43. We don't always have to think with our genitals.
44. We don't have to worry if we are plump. Men still like us.
45. We're better parents.
46. We never have to sit home alone on a weekend night.
47. There's never a shortage of ready, willing, and able men.
48. We're flexible.
49. When women get upset, we don't destroy property or hurt people - we just take it out on the world in general because we can.
50. Easy to make friendships.
51. Much easy to get a date.
52. Men have to be in uniform.
53. We can do makeup anywhere.
54. If we do heavy purchase we don't have to carry those things. Men are there.
55. It generally takes us less to get drunk.
56. We have a higher tolerance to pain.
57. We often get to cut in line (Queue).
58. Most women actually look good in short shorts - men DON'T.
59. Better tips.
60. Women who don't wear underwear are considered sexy and wild, when men do it, it's rather disgusting.
61. We have mastered civilized eating - we don't embarrass our friends or make loud bodily noises in public.
62. Women can go a day without showering or shaving and not look or smell disgusting - thank heaven for long pants and perfume!
63. We can connive men into doing our homework, writing our papers or carrying our books anytime we want.
64. We don't have excessive amounts of body hair.
65. We don't spend 45 minutes on the toilet.
66. We don't bother if our IQ level is less. Just a smile is enough.
67. We are always smart.
68. We can throw a punch at a man and not get hit in return.
69. We don't have to lie to boast ourselves better.
70. Men walk on the side of the sidewalk closest to the road so that if a car hits us, he gets hurt not us.
71. Women sweat less.
72. Women smell better.
73. When women make their boyfriends mad, we don't have to waste money on flowers or cards.
74. Men are more often serial killers, thieves, rapists and cheats.
75. We don get charged if we tease men in public.
76. We can be late to the office.
77. We don't get embarrassed when buying tampons.
78. We're better gossips.
79. We have better fashion sense.
80. We're better shoppers.
81. We don't have to make fools out of ourselves to impress a man.
82. Our friends don't pick on us if we aren't sleeping with anyone.
83. Men don't know what our 'girl talk' is all about (and I'm not gonna tell you).
84. We're all sitting on a gold mine - we know it and use it to our extreme advantage.
85. We don't have to drive when on a date.
86. An ugly woman can use makeup and get a new hairdo to become presentable - ugly men are just ugly.
87. We can search for hours together in a shop not necessary to buy.
88. Don't have to maintain great physique.
89. Women look better naked.
90. We know that rhythm doesn't only pertain to dancing.
91. When women are short, we're petite. When men are short, they're just short.
92. Women do less time for violent crimes.
93. Women don't have to worry about not being able to get it up.
94. There are many hands to lift us when we slip to ground. Poor men they have to get up on their own.
95. And we don't have to feel shy about falling down.
96. Women's conversations generally consist of more than just "uh huh, yep ok then bye".
97. Women don't need an excuse to be in a bad mood.
98. The remote control is not an extension of ourselves.
99. Women are sexier.
100. We can get laid ANYTIME, ANYWHERE, ANY WAY we want it.........!
Those who don't..... ARE Donkeys !!!
Equation 1
Human = eat + sleep + work + enjoy
Donkey = eat + sleep
Therefore,
Human = Donkey + work + enjoy
Therefore,
Human - enjoy = Donkey + work
In other words,
Human that don't know enjoy = Donkey that work
Equation 2
Men = eat + sleep + earn money
Donkeys = eat + sleep
Therefore,
Men = Donkeys + earn money
Therefore,
Men - earn money = Donkeys
In other words,
Men that don't earn money = Donkeys
Equation 3
Women = eat + sleep + spend
Donkeys = eat + sleep
Therefore,
Women = Donkeys + spend
Therefore,
Women - spend = Donkeys
In other words,
Women that don't spend = Donkeys
To Conclude: From Equation 2 and Equation 3
Men that don't earn money = Women that don't spend.
So, Men earn money not to let women become Donkeys! (Postulate 1)
And,
Women spend not to let men become Donkeys! (Postulate 2)
So,
we have?
Men + Women = Donkeys + earn money + Donkeys + spend money
Therefore from Postulates 1 and 2, we can conclude
Man + Woman = 2 Donkeys that live happily together.
Human = eat + sleep + work + enjoy
Donkey = eat + sleep
Therefore,
Human = Donkey + work + enjoy
Therefore,
Human - enjoy = Donkey + work
In other words,
Human that don't know enjoy = Donkey that work
Equation 2
Men = eat + sleep + earn money
Donkeys = eat + sleep
Therefore,
Men = Donkeys + earn money
Therefore,
Men - earn money = Donkeys
In other words,
Men that don't earn money = Donkeys
Equation 3
Women = eat + sleep + spend
Donkeys = eat + sleep
Therefore,
Women = Donkeys + spend
Therefore,
Women - spend = Donkeys
In other words,
Women that don't spend = Donkeys
To Conclude: From Equation 2 and Equation 3
Men that don't earn money = Women that don't spend.
So, Men earn money not to let women become Donkeys! (Postulate 1)
And,
Women spend not to let men become Donkeys! (Postulate 2)
So,
we have?
Men + Women = Donkeys + earn money + Donkeys + spend money
Therefore from Postulates 1 and 2, we can conclude
Man + Woman = 2 Donkeys that live happily together.
Differences Between You and Your Boss !!!
When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.
When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.
When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.
When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.
When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.
When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.
When you please your boss, you're apple polishing.
When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.
When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.
When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.
When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.
When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.
When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.
When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.
When you please your boss, you're apple polishing.
When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.
When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.
When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.
When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.
When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.
When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.
Why Bill Gates planned to sell micrOsoft ???
Banta had recently purchased a new computer with Microsoft Windows as the O/S and was unhappy with the same and writes a letter to Bill Gates, regarding the same.
Dear Mr. Bill Gates,
We have bought a computer for our home and we have found some problems, which I want to bring to your notice.
1. There is a button 'start' but there is no 'stop' button. We request you to check this.
2. One doubt is whether any 're-scooter' is available in system? I find only 're-cycle', but I own a scooter at my home.
3. There is 'Find' button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot trace the key with this 'find' button, but was unable to trace. Please rectify this problem.
4. My child has learnt 'Microsoft word' now he wants to learn 'Microsoft sentence', so when you will provide that?
5. I bought computer, CPU, mouse and keyboard, but there is only one icon which shows 'My Computer' when you will provide the remaining items?
6. It is surprising that windows says 'MY Pictures' but there is not even a single photo of mine. So when will you keep my photo in that
7. There is 'MICROSOFT OFFICE' what about 'MICROSOFT HOME' since I use the PC at home only.
8. You provided 'My Recent Documents'. When you will provide 'My Past Documents'?
9. You provide 'My Network Places'. For God sake please do not provide 'My Secret Places'. I do not want to let my wife know where I go after my office hours.
Last one to Mr. Bill Gates: Sir, how is it that your name is Gates but you are selling WINDOWS?
Regards,
Banta
Dear Mr. Bill Gates,
We have bought a computer for our home and we have found some problems, which I want to bring to your notice.
1. There is a button 'start' but there is no 'stop' button. We request you to check this.
2. One doubt is whether any 're-scooter' is available in system? I find only 're-cycle', but I own a scooter at my home.
3. There is 'Find' button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot trace the key with this 'find' button, but was unable to trace. Please rectify this problem.
4. My child has learnt 'Microsoft word' now he wants to learn 'Microsoft sentence', so when you will provide that?
5. I bought computer, CPU, mouse and keyboard, but there is only one icon which shows 'My Computer' when you will provide the remaining items?
6. It is surprising that windows says 'MY Pictures' but there is not even a single photo of mine. So when will you keep my photo in that
7. There is 'MICROSOFT OFFICE' what about 'MICROSOFT HOME' since I use the PC at home only.
8. You provided 'My Recent Documents'. When you will provide 'My Past Documents'?
9. You provide 'My Network Places'. For God sake please do not provide 'My Secret Places'. I do not want to let my wife know where I go after my office hours.
Last one to Mr. Bill Gates: Sir, how is it that your name is Gates but you are selling WINDOWS?
Regards,
Banta
Poetic Resignation !!!
Employee Resignation
The name is good,
The name is good,
the brand is big But the work I do is that of a pig
The work or the brand;
what is my way?
I don't know if I should stay.
To work, they have set their own way Nobody will care to hear what I say My will be NULL,
they wont change their way I don't know if I should stay.
The project is in a critical stage But to do good work,
this is the age
This dilemma is killing me day by day I don't know if I should stay.
The money is good,
the place is great But the development is at a very small rate
Should I go for the work,
or wait for pay I don't know if I should stay!
The managers don't know what they talk
The team doesn't know where they walk
That's a bad situation, what say?
I don't know if I should stay.
I can go to any other place
But what if I get the same disgrace
I can't keep switching day by day
I don't know if I should stay.
The -ves are more, the +ves are less
Then why have this unnecessary mess
No more will I walk their way,
It's all done, I won't stay.
Thanks & Regards
Employee
**********************************************
Manager Response
Manager Response
***********************************************
Reply: What I want to say?
The decision is good or decision is bad
Reply: What I want to say?
The decision is good or decision is bad
Only God knows still I am glad
Keep moving in life that is what I can say
If you feel right go in the same way
May god give you the work,
the challenge you want
Anyway there is always a second chance
Chances are there,
grab them snatch them
That is what I can say
Keep on jumping companies to get more and more and more....
That will keep you always a fore (Even to me)
From my experience I can tell you
Being in software development is like taking hell out of you
You are frustrated since you have no quality work
And you were frustrated because you had quantity work
It's always like that previous job was better than the current one
And expects the new job will be much better than this one
But what you get is a frustration level up to sun
Than you will again send the resignation like this one
This is all what I want to say
Have you completed all the formalities?
Filled the form and got it signed from department humanities (HR)
Once done you can take all your cash
But don't refer others as they will follow you're a*s.
At last I appreciate your contribution to the company
Even though there was not any....
You will keep a copy of this with you for FYI
Don't feel shy
As I also got it some time back from my old manger say Hi....
That is all what I want to say.
Thanks & Regards
Manager
Reasons to Allow Drinking at Work !!!
It's an incentive to show up.
It reduces stress.
It leads to more honest communication.
It reduces complaints about low pay.
It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
It encourages carpooling.
It increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't realize it.
It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
It makes fellow employees look better.
It makes conversations easier.
It promotes honesty.
It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
Suddenly, farting during a meeting isn't so emb! arrassing.
It reduces stress.
It leads to more honest communication.
It reduces complaints about low pay.
It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
It encourages carpooling.
It increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't realize it.
It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
It makes fellow employees look better.
It makes conversations easier.
It promotes honesty.
It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
Suddenly, farting during a meeting isn't so emb! arrassing.
100 Cool Things About Being A Guy
1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3. You know stuff about tanks.
4. A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.
5. Monday Night Football.
6. You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives.
7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
8. You can open all of your own jars.
9. Old friends don't give a crap whether you've lost or gained weight.
10. Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.
11. When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall at everyshot of somebody crying.
12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
13. All your orgasms are real.
14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
15. Guy in hockey masks don't attack you ... unless you're playing hockey.
16. You don't have to lug a bag full of stuff around everywhere you go.
17. You understand why the movie "Stripes" is funny.
18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
19. Your last name stays put.
20. You can leave the hotel bed unmade.
21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that every one secretly hates you.
22. You can kill your own food.
23. The garage is all yours.
24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
25. You see the humor in "Terms of Endearment."
26. Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow.
27. You never have to clean a toilet.
28. You can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes.
29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
32. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
33. The National College Cheerleading Championship
34. None of your coworkers has the power to make you cry.
35. You don't have to shave below your neck.
36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy butt every night.
37. If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices.
38. You can write your name in the snow.
39. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
40. Everything on your face gets to stay its original color.
41. Chocolate is just another snack.
42. You can be president.
43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
44. Flowers fix everything.
45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
48. Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.
49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
51. Foreplay is optional.
52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into a room.
54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader's coming by.
56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
58. You don't give a rat's butt if anyone notices your new haircut.
59. You can quietly watch a game with you buddy for hours without everthinking, "He must be mad at me."
60. The world is your urinal.
61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover's about to leave you.
62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
64. One mood, all the time.
65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look likehim.
66. You never have to drive on to another gas station because "this one's just too gross."
67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
68. You can sit with you knees apart no matter what you're wearing.
69. Same work...more pay!
70. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
71. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
72. Wedding dress: $2,000; tuxedo rental: $75.
73. You don't care if someone's talking about you behind your back.
74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earth's populationin 15 tries, at least in theory.
75. You don't mooch off of other's desserts.
76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
77. The remote control is yours and yours alone.
78. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
79. ESPN's SportsCenter.
80. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
81. Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers.
82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
84. You needn't pretend you're "Freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell yourother friends you've changed.
86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "Screw it."
88. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong buddies.
89. Princess Di's death was just another obituary.
90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in themood.
92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
93. If something mechanical doesn't work, you can bash it with a hammer or throw it across the room.
94. New shoes don't blister, cut, and mangle your feet.
95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
97. Not liking a person won't stop you from having great sex with them.
98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So...notice anything different?"
99. Baywatch
100. There's always a game
MAN vs WOMAN
Man vs Woman
- A man will pay $2.00 for a $1.00 item he needs.
- A woman will pay $1.00 for a $2.00 item that she does not need.
- A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
- A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
- A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
- A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
- To be happy with a man, you must love him a little and understand him a lot.
- To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
- Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
- Women somehow deteriorate overnight.
- A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
- A man marries a woman expecting she won't change, but she does.
- Married men live longer than single men, but married men are more willing to die.
- Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
- A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument !!!
Know the truth !!!
*The train has started moving. It is packed with people of all ages,mostly with the working men and women and young college guys and gals. ***
*Near the window, seated a old man with his 30 year old son. As the train moves by, *
*the son is overwhelmed with joy as he was thrilled with the scenery outside.. *
***"See dad, the scenery of green trees moving away is very beautiful" ***
*This behavior from a thirty year old son made the other people feel strange about him.*
*Every one started murmuring something or other about this son."*
*****This guy seems to be a krack.." newly married Anup whispered to his wife. ***
*Suddenly it started raining... Rain drops fell on the travelers through the opened window.The Thirty year old son , filled with joy " see dad, how beautiful the rain is .." *
***Anup's wife got irritated with the rain drops spoiling her new suit. ***
*Anup ," cant you see its raining, you old man, if ur son is not feeling well get him soon to a mental asylum..and dont disturb public henceforth" **
**The old man hesitated first and then in a low tone replied " we are on the way back from hospital, my son got discharged today morning , he was a blind by birth, last week only he got his vision, these rain and nature are new to his eyes..
Please forgive us for the inconvenience caused..."
***What we see may not always be right !!*
Hence try to know the truth before you react.*
Money !!!
It can buy a house
But not a home
It can buy a clock
But not time
It can buy you a position
But not respect
It can buy you a bed
But not sleep
It can buy you a book
But not knowledge
It can buy you medicine
But not health
It can buy you blood
But not life
So you see money isn't everything
And it often causes pain and suffering
I tell you this because I am your friend
And as your friend I want to
Take away your pain and suffering!!
So
Send me all your money
And I will suffer for you!
Cash only please >
But not a home
It can buy a clock
But not time
It can buy you a position
But not respect
It can buy you a bed
But not sleep
It can buy you a book
But not knowledge
It can buy you medicine
But not health
It can buy you blood
But not life
So you see money isn't everything
And it often causes pain and suffering
I tell you this because I am your friend
And as your friend I want to
Take away your pain and suffering!!
So
Send me all your money
And I will suffer for you!
Cash only please >
Priya Again !!!
*Very Shocking..... *
This is a story of a young college girl who passed away last month in Chandigarh. Her name was Priya. She was hit by a truck. She was working in a call center. She had a boy friend named Shankar. Both of them were true lovers. They always talked on the phone. You used to be never found without her without hand phone. In fact she also Changed her cell connection from Airtel to Hutch, so that both of them can be on the same network, and save on the cost. She used to spend half of the day talking with Shankar. Priya's family knew about their relationship. Shankar was very close to Priya's family as well. (Just imagine their love).
Before she passed away she always told her friends "If I pass away Please burn me with my hand phone" she also said the same thing to her Parents.
After her death, people couldn't carry her body, A lot of them tried to do so But still cant everybody had tried to carry the body, the results were the Same. Eventually, they called a person known to one of their neighbours, who Can speak with the soul of dead person and who was a friend of her father. He took a stick and started speaking to himself slowly. After a few minutes, he said "this girl misses something here." Then her Friends told that person about her intentions to burn her with her phone. He then opened the grave box and place her phone and sim card inside the Casket. After that they tried to carry the body. It was then moved easily And they then carried her into the van. All of us were shocked.
Priya's parents did not inform Shankar that Priya had passed away.
After 2 weeks Shankar called Priya's mom
.
.
.
.
.
Shankar:...."Aunty, I'm coming home today. Cook something nice for me. Don't tell Priya that I'm coming home today, I wanna surprise her."
Her mother replied..... "You come home first, I wanna tell you something Very important."
After he came, they told him the truth about Priya.
Shankar thinks That they were playing a fool. He was laughing and said "don't try to fool Me - tell Priya to come out, i have a gift for her. Please stop this Nonsense". Then they show him the original death certificate to him.
They gave him proof to make him believe.
(Shankar started to sweat)
He said... "It's not true.
We spoke yesterday.
She still calls me.
Shankar was shaking. Suddenly, Shankar's phone rang." See this is from Priya, see this...." He showed the phone to priya's family. All of them told him to answer. He talked using the loudspeaker mode.All of them heard his conversation. Loud and clear, no cross lines, no humming. It is the actual voice of Priya & there is no way others could use her sim Card since it is nailed inside the grave box they were so shocked and asked For the same person's (Who can speak with the soul of deal persons) help again.
He brought his Master to solve this matter. He & his master worked for 5 hours. Then they discovered one thing which really shocked them...""""""""Hutch has the best coverage." Where ever you go, our network follows!!!"
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