Explanation of Microsoft computer messages

It says: "Press Any Key"



It means: "Press any key you like but I'm not moving."



It says: "Press A Key"



(This one's a programmers joke. Nothing happens unless you press the "A" key.)



It says: "Fatal Error. Please contact technical support quoting error



no. 1A4-2546512430E" It means: "... where you will be kept on hold for 10 minutes, only to be told that it's a hardware problem."



It says: "Installing program to C:\...."



It means: "... And I'll also be writing a few files into c:\windows and c:\windows\system where you'll NEVER find them."



It says: "Please insert disk 11"



It means: "Because I know darn well there are only 10 disks."



It says: "Not enough memory"



It means: "I don't CARE if you've got 64MB of RAM, I want to use the bit below 640K."



It says: "Cannot read from drive D:...."



It means: "... However, if you put the CD in correct side up..."



It says: "Please Wait...."



It means: "... Indefinitely."



It says: "Directory does not exist...."



It means: ".... any more. Whoops."



It says: "The application caused an error. Choose Ignore or Close."



It means: ".... Makes no difference to me, you're still not getting your work back."

Honesty !!!

An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. She began to interview young lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an 'honest' lawyer?"

 

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."

 

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"

 

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."

Finding Jesus.

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher.
The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk looks back and says, "Yes,Preacher. I sure am."
The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.
"No, I didn't!" said the drunk.
The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"
"No, I did not Reverend."
The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My God, have you found Jesus yet?"
The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher..."Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

Vacuum Salesman.

An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.
He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner doesn't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it."
She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?"
The salesman says, "Why do you ask?"
She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."

Sparrow.

Once upon a time, there was a nonconformist sparrow who decided to not fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather had turned so cold that he reluctantly decided to fly south. In a short time, ice began to form on his wings, and he fell to earth nearly frozen solid, landing in a barnyard.
A cow passed by where the sparrow had fallen and crapped on the little bird. The sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings! Warm and happy and able to breath, the sparrow started to sing. Just then, a large cat came by and heard the chirping. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird, and promptly ate him.
The moral of the story: Everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy; everyone who gets you out of crap is not necessarily your friend; and if you're warm and happy in a pile of crap, you might just want to keep your mouth shut.

Germs.

Teacher- What are the people of turkey called ?
Student- I don't know.
Teacher- They are called Turks.
Teacher- What are the people of Germany called ?
Student- They are called Germs.....

What a Couple !!!

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most: "When I die, I will dig my way up out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs. There were also strange sounds at all hours. The man was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.
One day, he died abruptly under strange circumstances, and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, his wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.
The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: "Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? This man practiced black magic and stated that when he died, he ! would dig his way up out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The wife put down her drink and said, "Let the old guy dig. I had him buried upside down."

Not the President.

One sunny day in 2008, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President George W. Bush."
The Marine replied, "Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer President and doesn't reside here." The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.
The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President George W. Bush".
The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no longer President and doesn't reside here." The man thanked him and again walked away . . .
The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President George W. Bush."
The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I've told you already several times that Mr. Bush is not the President anymore and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?"
The old man answered, "Oh, I understand you fine, I just love hearing your answer!" The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow"

Effect of Alcohol !!!

A biology teacher wished to demonstrate to his students the harmful effects of alcohol on living organisms. For his experiment, he showed them a beaker with pond water in which there was a thriving civilization of worms.

When he added some alcohol into the beaker the worms doubled-up and died."Now," he said,” what do you learn from this?"

An eager student gave his answer. "Well the answer is obvious," he said " if you drink alcohol, you'll never have worms."

Sweet Insults !!!

1. Any similarity between you and a human is purelycoincidental!
2. Are you always so stupid or is today a specialoccasion?
3. As an outsider, what do you think of the humanrace?
4. I'd like to kick you in the teeth, but why shouldI improve your looks?
5. At least there's one thing good about your body.It isn't as ugly as your face!
6. Brains aren't everything. In fact, in your casethey're nothing!
7. Careful now, don't let your brains go to yourhead!
8. I like you. People say I've no taste, but I likeyou.
9. Did your parents ever ask you to run away fromhome?
10. If I had a face like yours. I'd sue my parents!
11. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent!
12. Don't get insulted, but is your job devoted tospreading ignorance?
13. Keep talking; someday you'll say somethingintelligent!
14. Don't you love nature, despite what it did toyou?
15. Don't think, it may sprain your brain!
16. Fellows like you don't grow from trees; theyswing from them.
17. He has a mechanical mind. Too bad he forgot towind it up this morning.
18. He has a mind like a steel trap-always closed!
19. You are a man of the world-and you know what sadshape the world is in.
20. He is always lost in thought-it's unfamiliarterritory.
21. He is dark and handsome. When it's dark, he'shandsome.
22. He is known as a miracle comic. If he's funny,it's a miracle!
23. He is listed in Who's Who as What's That?
24. He is living proof that man can live without abrain!
25. He is so short, when it rains he is always thelast one to know.
26. He is the kind of a man that you would use as ablueprint to build an idiot.
27. How come you're here? I thought the zoo isclosed at night!

Papers, How Long to keep.

Investment certificates: Until sold.
Credit card account numbers: Until updated.
Credit card statements: 7-years.
Household inventory: Until updated.
Will: Until updated.
Divorce papers: Forever.
Social Security Card: Forever and do not carry it with you, store it a safe place.
Birth Certificate: Forever.
Vehicle title: Until vehicle is sold.
Mortgage records, R.E. deeds: As long as active.
Contracts: As long as active.
Investment records: 7-years after year of sale.
Income tax records: 7-years.
Bank statements: 7-years.
Cancel checks: 7-years.
Utility bills: 1-year.
Paid bills for flexible expenses: 1-year.

Management theory "thats intelligence".

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his Customer,"This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a five rupee coin in one hand and two one rupee coins(1+1=2) in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"

The boy takes the two one rupee coins and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber.

"That kid never learns!" Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.

"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take two one rupee coins instead of five rupee coin?

"The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because THE DAY I TAKE THE FIVE RUPEE COIN, THE GAME IS OVER .

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Moral: When you think the other person is dumb, you are making a fool of yourself.

Some Nice One Liners........

Here are some nice one liners..:
1. I say no to alcohol, it just doesn't listen.
2. A friend in need is a pest indeed.
3. Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.
4. Work is fine if it doesn't take too much of your time.
5. When everything comes in your way you're in the wrong lane.
6. The light at the end of the tunnel may be an incoming train..
7. Born free, taxed to death.
8. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
9. Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.
10. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
11. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.
12. It's not hard to meet expenses, they are everywhere.
13. I love being a writer... what I can't stand is the paperwork.
14. A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
15. The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.
16. The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.
17. In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?
18. If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?
19. Beat the 5 O'clock rush, leave work at noon!
20. If you can't convince them, confuse them.
21. It's not the fall that kills you. It's the sudden stop at the end.
22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
23. Hot glass looks same as cold glass. - Cunino's Law of Burnt Fingers.
24. The cigarette does the smoking you are just the sucker.
25. Someday is not a day of the week.
26. Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
27. To Err is human, to forgive is not a Company policy.
28. The road to success.... Is always under construction.
29. Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk.

Media and the End of the World

USA Today: WE'RE DEAD
The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS
National Enquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN
Playboy: GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE
Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE
Victoria's Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE
Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER
Wired: THE LAST NEW THING
Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR
Readers Digest: 'BYE
Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?
TV Guide: DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR!
Lady's Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGEMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW "ARMAGEDDON" DIET!
America Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.
Inc. magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE

Health - Important Tips

Answer the phone by LEFT ear .

Do not drink coffee TWICE a day.

Do not take pills with COOL water.

Do not have HUGE meals after 5pm.

Reduce the amount of OILY food you consume.

Drink more WATER in the morning, less at night.

Keep your distance from hand phone CHARGERS .

Do not use headphones/earphone for LONG period of time.

Best sleeping time is from 10pm at night to 6am in the morning .

Do not lie down immediately after taking medic! ine before sleeping.

When battery is down to the LAST grid/bar, do not answer the phone as the radiation is 1000 times.

Forward this to those whom you CARE about .

India Shines

This is not a story but a true incident that happened in USA.
An Indian man walked into a bank in New York City one day and asked for the loan officer.



He told the loan officer that he was going to India on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000.



The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan. The Indian man handed over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produced the title and everything checked out.



The loan officer agreed to accept the car as collateral for the loan.



The bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Indian for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parked it there...



Two weeks later, the Indian returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest, which came to $15...41.



The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow "$5,000"



The Indian replied: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return'"



Ah, the brain of the Indians..... This is why India is shining. .

Top One liners!

1. Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left.
2. Do you have trouble making up your mind? Well, yes or no?
3. Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more(friendship or money)
4. Death is hereditary.
5. An expert is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.
6. Many things can be preserved in alcohol. Dignity is not one of them.
7. When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.
8. Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.
9. Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
10. Experience is what a comb gives you after you lose your hair.
11. Well done is better than well said.
12. Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make them when nobody islooking.
13. They say hard work never hurts anybody, but why take the chance.
14. I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.
15. Where there's a will, there are five hundred relatives.
16. I have a drinking problem - I can't afford it.
17. Good girls go to heaven. Bad girls go anywhere!
18. Love thy neighbour, but be sure her husband is away.
19. Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding.
20. I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
21. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
22. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
23. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlookedsomething.
24. Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
25. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
26. Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
27. For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
28. Skill is successfully walking a tightrope over Niagara Falls.
29. Intelligence is not trying.