The Truth.

Ladies and gentlemen, hobos and tramps,

Bug-eyed mosquitoes and bowlegged ants!

I'm about to tell you a story I've never heard before,

So pull up a chair and sit on the floor.

Admission is free, so pay at the door.

One fine day, in the middle of the night,

two, dead boys got up to fight.

Back to back, they faced each other,

drew their swords and shot each other.

A deaf policeman heard the noise,

and saved the lives of the two dead boys.

If you don't believe my lies are true,

ask the blind man, he saw it too!

The Top Ten Differences Between Cats & Dogs.

The Top Ten Differences Between Cats & Dogs:













10. Dogs come when you call them. Cats take a message and get back to you when they are good and ready.






9. Dogs will let you give them a bath without taking out a contract on your life.






8. Dogs will bark to wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will quietly sneak out the back door.






7. Dogs will bring you your slippers or the evening newspaper.Cats might bring you a dead mouse.






6. Dogs will play Frisbee with you all afternoon. Cats will take a three-hour nap.






5. Dogs will sit on the car seat next to you. Cats have to have their own private box or they will not go at all.






4. Dogs will greet you and lick your face when you come home from work. Cats will be mad that you went to work at all.






3. Dogs will sit, lie down, and heel on command. Cats will smirk and walk away.






2. Dogs will tilt their heads and listen whenever you talk. Cats will yawn and close their eyes.






1. Dogs will give you unconditional love forever. Cats will make you pay for every mistake you've ever made since the day you were born.

Explanation of Microsoft computer messages

It says: "Press Any Key"



It means: "Press any key you like but I'm not moving."



It says: "Press A Key"



(This one's a programmers joke. Nothing happens unless you press the "A" key.)



It says: "Fatal Error. Please contact technical support quoting error



no. 1A4-2546512430E" It means: "... where you will be kept on hold for 10 minutes, only to be told that it's a hardware problem."



It says: "Installing program to C:\...."



It means: "... And I'll also be writing a few files into c:\windows and c:\windows\system where you'll NEVER find them."



It says: "Please insert disk 11"



It means: "Because I know darn well there are only 10 disks."



It says: "Not enough memory"



It means: "I don't CARE if you've got 64MB of RAM, I want to use the bit below 640K."



It says: "Cannot read from drive D:...."



It means: "... However, if you put the CD in correct side up..."



It says: "Please Wait...."



It means: "... Indefinitely."



It says: "Directory does not exist...."



It means: ".... any more. Whoops."



It says: "The application caused an error. Choose Ignore or Close."



It means: ".... Makes no difference to me, you're still not getting your work back."

Honesty !!!

An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. She began to interview young lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an 'honest' lawyer?"

 

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."

 

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"

 

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."

Gray Hair !

One day, a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair.

The little girl looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then asked, "Momma, how come all of grandma's hairs are white?"

Trap !

A woman rushes into a hardware store and said, “Can I have a muse trap, please? And will you be quick – I’ve a bus to catch.”




“Sorry, ma’am,” said the assistant, “we don’t sell ‘em that big!”

Finding Jesus.

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher.
The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk looks back and says, "Yes,Preacher. I sure am."
The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.
"No, I didn't!" said the drunk.
The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"
"No, I did not Reverend."
The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My God, have you found Jesus yet?"
The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher..."Are you sure this is where he fell in?"