Professions !

A neurotic is the person who builds a castle in the air.

A psychotic is the person who lives in it.

And

A psychiatrist is the person who collects the rent.

Age !

A husband, the owner of a new car, was somewhat reluctant to allow his wife to drove his prize possession.. .even to the grocery store which was a few blocks from the house.

After she insisted, he finally relented, cautioning her as she departed, "Remember, if you have an accident, the newspaper will print your age!"

Mirror.

Legend has it that there is a bar in New York where, in the ladies room, there is a very special mirror. If one stands in front of the mirror and tells the truth, one is granted a wish. However, if one tells a lie... Poof. They are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again.
Sooooo, a redhead of questionable looks walks into the ladies room, stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world." Poof. The mirror swallows her.
Next, a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the sexiest woman alive." Poof. The mirror swallows her.
Then, an absolutely gorgeous blonde comes in and stands before the mirror and says, "I think..." Poof.

A Room For the Night

Many years ago, a Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg was stranded late one night at a fashionable resort on Cape Cod -- one that did not admit Jews.
The desk clerk looked down at his book and said, "Sorry, no room. The hotel is full."
The Jewish lady said, "But your sign says that you have vacancies."
The desk clerk stammered and then said curtly, "You know that we do not admit Jews. Now if you will try the other side of town..."
Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeably and said, "I'll have you know I converted to your religion."
The desk clerk said, "Oh, yeah, let me give you a little test. How was Jesus born?"
Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born to a virgin named Mary in a little town called Bethlehem."
"Very good," replied the hotel clerk. "Tell me more."
Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born in a manger."
"That's right," said the hotel clerk. "And why was he born in a man! ger?"
Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly, "Because a jerk like you in the hotel wouldn't give a Jewish lady a room for the night!"

Sweet Insults !!!

1. Any similarity between you and a human is purelycoincidental!
2. Are you always so stupid or is today a specialoccasion?
3. As an outsider, what do you think of the humanrace?
4. I'd like to kick you in the teeth, but why shouldI improve your looks?
5. At least there's one thing good about your body.It isn't as ugly as your face!
6. Brains aren't everything. In fact, in your casethey're nothing!
7. Careful now, don't let your brains go to yourhead!
8. I like you. People say I've no taste, but I likeyou.
9. Did your parents ever ask you to run away fromhome?
10. If I had a face like yours. I'd sue my parents!
11. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent!
12. Don't get insulted, but is your job devoted tospreading ignorance?
13. Keep talking; someday you'll say somethingintelligent!
14. Don't you love nature, despite what it did toyou?
15. Don't think, it may sprain your brain!
16. Fellows like you don't grow from trees; theyswing from them.
17. He has a mechanical mind. Too bad he forgot towind it up this morning.
18. He has a mind like a steel trap-always closed!
19. You are a man of the world-and you know what sadshape the world is in.
20. He is always lost in thought-it's unfamiliarterritory.
21. He is dark and handsome. When it's dark, he'shandsome.
22. He is known as a miracle comic. If he's funny,it's a miracle!
23. He is listed in Who's Who as What's That?
24. He is living proof that man can live without abrain!
25. He is so short, when it rains he is always thelast one to know.
26. He is the kind of a man that you would use as ablueprint to build an idiot.
27. How come you're here? I thought the zoo isclosed at night!

Job !!!

This guy needs a job and decides to apply at the zoo. As it happened, their star attraction, a gorilla, had passed away the night before and they had carefully preserved his hide. They tell this guy that they'll pay him well if he would dress up in the gorillas skin and pretend to be the gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo. Well, the guy has his doubts, but Hey! He needs the money, so he puts on the skin and goes out into the cage. The people all cheer to see him. He plays up to the audience and they just eat it up. This isn't so bad, he thinks, and he starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring, swinging around. During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage! As he lies there stunned, the lion roars. He's terrified and starts screaming, "Help, Help, Help!" The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses, "Shut up or we'll BOTH lose our jobs!"

Who am I ?

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way tothe desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, 'I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS'.

The attendant replied, 'I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able towork something out. 'The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, 'DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?

'Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: 'May I have your attention please, may I have yourattention please,' she began - her voice heard clearly throughout theterminal. 'We have a passenger here at Gate number 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. Ifany of you can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14.

'With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared atthe Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, 'F*** You!!!

'Without flinching, she smiled and said, (I love this bit) 'I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too!!!