Some Nice One Liners........

Here are some nice one liners..:
1. I say no to alcohol, it just doesn't listen.
2. A friend in need is a pest indeed.
3. Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.
4. Work is fine if it doesn't take too much of your time.
5. When everything comes in your way you're in the wrong lane.
6. The light at the end of the tunnel may be an incoming train..
7. Born free, taxed to death.
8. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
9. Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.
10. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
11. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.
12. It's not hard to meet expenses, they are everywhere.
13. I love being a writer... what I can't stand is the paperwork.
14. A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
15. The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.
16. The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.
17. In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?
18. If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?
19. Beat the 5 O'clock rush, leave work at noon!
20. If you can't convince them, confuse them.
21. It's not the fall that kills you. It's the sudden stop at the end.
22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
23. Hot glass looks same as cold glass. - Cunino's Law of Burnt Fingers.
24. The cigarette does the smoking you are just the sucker.
25. Someday is not a day of the week.
26. Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
27. To Err is human, to forgive is not a Company policy.
28. The road to success.... Is always under construction.
29. Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk.

Why the US is in crisis...??? ...... ...!!!!!

An Israeli doctor says, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'

A German doctor says 'That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.

The Russian doctor says 'In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'

An American Texas doctor, not to be outdone, says 'You guys are way behind, we recently took a man with no brains out of Texas, put him in the White House for eight years, and now half the country is looking for work.

Man with no bad habits !!!

Once a man was waiting for a taxi.

A beggar came along and asked him for some money. The man ignored him. But being a professional, the beggar kept on pestering him. The man became irritated when he realized that the beggar would not leave him alone unless he parts with some money.

Suddenly an idea struck him.

He told the beggar, "I do not have money, but if you tell me what you want to do with the money, I will certainly help you.."

"I would have bought a cup of tea", replied the beggar. The man said, "Sorry man. I can offer you a cigarette instead of tea". He then took a pack of cigarettes from his pocket and offered one to the beggar..

The beggar told, "I don't smoke as it is injurious to health.

"The man smiled and took a bottle of whisky from his pocket and told the beggar, "Here, take this bottle and enjoy the stuff. It is really good".

The beggar refused by saying, "Alcohol muddles the brain and damages the liver".

The man smiled again. He told the beggar, "I am going to the race course. Come with me and I will arrange for some tickets and we will place bets. If we win, you take the whole amount and leave me alone".

As before, the beggar politely refused the latest offer by saying, "Sorry sir, I can't come with you as betting on horses is a bad habit."

Suddenly the man felt relieved and asked the beggar to come to his home with him. Finally, the beggar's face lit up in anticipation of receiving at least something from the man. But he still had his doubts and asked the man, "Why do you want me to go to your house with you".

The man replied, "My wife always wanted to see how a man with no bad habits looks like !!!

Invest Wisely !

If you purchased $1,000 of Delta Airlines stock 1 year ago,
you would have $49 today.
If you purchased $1,000 of AIG stock 1 year ago,
you would have $33 today.
If you purchased $1,000 of Lehman Brothers stock 1 year ago,
you would have $0.0 today.
But,
if you purchased $1,000 worth of BEER 1 year ago,
drank all of them,
returned the ALUMINIUM CANS for a recycling refund,
you would have $214.


INVEST WISELY...

Media and the End of the World

USA Today: WE'RE DEAD
The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS
National Enquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN
Playboy: GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE
Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE
Victoria's Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE
Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER
Wired: THE LAST NEW THING
Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR
Readers Digest: 'BYE
Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?
TV Guide: DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR!
Lady's Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGEMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW "ARMAGEDDON" DIET!
America Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.
Inc. magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE

50 Fun Things To Do at Wal-Mart

1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
4. Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join in.
5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
9. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin narrow aisles.
10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.
11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10".
12. Play with the automatic doors.
13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I have! n't seen you in so long!..." etc.
14. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.
15. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this junk, anyway?"
16. Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.
17. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive."
18. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away.
19. Continue to do this until they leave the department.
20. Play soccer with a group of friend, using the entire store as your playing field.
21. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!" Put M&M's on layaway.
22. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
23. Set up a tent in the camping department;
24. tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
25. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.
26. Ask other customers if they! have any Grey Poupon.
27. Drape a blanket around your shoul! ders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman.
28. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!"
29. TP as much of the store as possible.
30. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
31. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down.
32. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
33. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!"
34. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?"
35. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
36. Take bets on the battle described above.
37. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
38. Hold indoor shopping cart races.
39. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission: Impossible."
40. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags. Attempt to fit others! into very large gym bags.
41. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?"
42. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
43. Two words: "Marco Polo." Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.
44. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.
45. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.
46. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
47. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"
48. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.
49. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax.
50. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

Inspirational Posters

Sayings That Should Be On Those Office Inspirational Posters:

1. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
2. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
3. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
4. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.
5. A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.
6. Plagiarism saves time.
7. If at first you don't succeed, try management.
8. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
9. TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.
10. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
11. The beatings will continue until morale improves.
12. Never! underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
13. We waste time so you don't have to.
14. Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
15. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
16. A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
17. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
18. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
19. Succeed in spite of management.
20. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.