1. Any similarity between you and a human is purelycoincidental!
2. Are you always so stupid or is today a specialoccasion?
3. As an outsider, what do you think of the humanrace?
4. I'd like to kick you in the teeth, but why shouldI improve your looks?
5. At least there's one thing good about your body.It isn't as ugly as your face!
6. Brains aren't everything. In fact, in your casethey're nothing!
7. Careful now, don't let your brains go to yourhead!
8. I like you. People say I've no taste, but I likeyou.
9. Did your parents ever ask you to run away fromhome?
10. If I had a face like yours. I'd sue my parents!
11. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent!
12. Don't get insulted, but is your job devoted tospreading ignorance?
13. Keep talking; someday you'll say somethingintelligent!
14. Don't you love nature, despite what it did toyou?
15. Don't think, it may sprain your brain!
16. Fellows like you don't grow from trees; theyswing from them.
17. He has a mechanical mind. Too bad he forgot towind it up this morning.
18. He has a mind like a steel trap-always closed!
19. You are a man of the world-and you know what sadshape the world is in.
20. He is always lost in thought-it's unfamiliarterritory.
21. He is dark and handsome. When it's dark, he'shandsome.
22. He is known as a miracle comic. If he's funny,it's a miracle!
23. He is listed in Who's Who as What's That?
24. He is living proof that man can live without abrain!
25. He is so short, when it rains he is always thelast one to know.
26. He is the kind of a man that you would use as ablueprint to build an idiot.
27. How come you're here? I thought the zoo isclosed at night!
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Job !!!
This guy needs a job and decides to apply at the zoo. As it happened, their star attraction, a gorilla, had passed away the night before and they had carefully preserved his hide. They tell this guy that they'll pay him well if he would dress up in the gorillas skin and pretend to be the gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo. Well, the guy has his doubts, but Hey! He needs the money, so he puts on the skin and goes out into the cage. The people all cheer to see him. He plays up to the audience and they just eat it up. This isn't so bad, he thinks, and he starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring, swinging around. During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage! As he lies there stunned, the lion roars. He's terrified and starts screaming, "Help, Help, Help!" The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses, "Shut up or we'll BOTH lose our jobs!"
Who am I ?
A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way tothe desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, 'I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS'.
The attendant replied, 'I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able towork something out. 'The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, 'DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?
'Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: 'May I have your attention please, may I have yourattention please,' she began - her voice heard clearly throughout theterminal. 'We have a passenger here at Gate number 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. Ifany of you can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14.
'With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared atthe Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, 'F*** You!!!
'Without flinching, she smiled and said, (I love this bit) 'I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too!!!
Engineer in Hell.
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer — you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake — he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
Engineer in Hell.
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer — you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake — he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
50 Strange Buildings of the World.
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1. The Crooked House (Sopot, Poland)Construction of the building started in in January 2003 and in December 2003 it was finished. House architecture is based on Jan Marcin Szancer (famous Polish drawer and child books illustrator) and Per Dahlberg (Swedish painter living in Sopot) pictures and paintings.
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2. Forest Spiral - Hundertwasser Building (Darmstadt, Germany)
The Hundertwasser house “Waldspirale” (”Forest Spiral”) was built in Darmstadt between 1998 and 2000. Friedensreich Hundertwasser, the famous Austrian architect and painter, is widely
renowned for his revolutionary, colourful architectural designs which incorporate irregular, organic forms, e.g. onion-shaped domes.
The structure with 105 apartments wraps around a landscaped courtyard with a running stream. Up in the turret at the southeast corner, there is a restaurant, including a cocktail bar.
The Hundertwasser house “Waldspirale” (”Forest Spiral”) was built in Darmstadt between 1998 and 2000. Friedensreich Hundertwasser, the famous Austrian architect and painter, is widely
renowned for his revolutionary, colourful architectural designs which incorporate irregular, organic forms, e.g. onion-shaped domes.
The structure with 105 apartments wraps around a landscaped courtyard with a running stream. Up in the turret at the southeast corner, there is a restaurant, including a cocktail bar.
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3. The Torre Galatea Figueras (Spain)
4. Ferdinand Cheval Palace a.k.a Ideal Palace (France)
5. The Basket Building (Ohio, United States)
The Longaberger Basket Company building in Newark, Ohio might just be a strangest office building in the world. The 180,000-square-foot building, a replica of the company’s famous market basket, cost $30 million and took two years to complete. Many experts tried to persuade Dave Longaberger to alter his plans, but he wanted an exact replica of the real thing.
6. Kansas City Public Library (Missouri, United States)
This project, located in the heart of Kansas City, represents one of the pioneer projects behind the revitalization of downtown. The people of Kansas City were asked to help pick highly influential books that represent Kansas City. Those titles were included as ‘bookbindings’ in the innovative design of the parking garage exterior, to inspire people to utilize the downtown Central Library.
7. Wonderworks (Pigeon Forge, TN, United States)
8. Habitat 67 (Montreal, Canada)
Expo 67, one of the world’s largest universal expositions was held in Montreal. Housing was one of the main themes of Expo 67. The cube is the base, the mean and the finality of Habitat 67. In its material sense, the cube is a symbol of stability. As for its mystic meaning, the cube is symbol of wisdom, truth, moral perfection, at the origin itself of our civilization. 354 cubes of a magnificent grey-beige build up one on the other to form 146 residences nestled between sky and earth, between city and river, between greenery and light.
9. Cubic Houses (Rotterdam, Netherlands)
The original idea of these cubic houses came about in the 1970s. Piet Blom has developed a couple of these cubic houses that were built in Helmond. The city of Rotterdam asked him to design housing on top of a pedestrian bridge and he decided to use the cubic houses idea. The concept behind these houses is that he tries to create a forest by each cube representing an abstract tree; therefore the whole village becomes a forest.
10. Hang Nga Guesthouse a.k.a Crazy House (Vietnam)
The house is owned by the daughter of the ex-president of Vietnam, who studied architecture in Moscow. It does not comply with any convention about house building, has unexpected twists and turns, roofs and rooms. It looks like a fairy tale castle, it has enormous “animals” like a giraffe and a spider, no window is rectangular or round, and it can be visited like a museum.
11. Chapel in the Rock (Arizona, United States)
12. Dancing Building (Prague, Czech Republic)
13. Calakmul building a.k.a La Lavadora a.k.a The Washing Mashine (Mexico, Mexico)
14. Kettle House (Texas, United States)
15. Manchester Civil Justice Centre (Manchester, UK)
16. Nakagin Capsule Tower (Tokyo, Japan)
17. Mind House (Barcelona, Spain)
18. Stone House (Guimarães, Portugal)
19. Shoe House (Pennsylvania, United States)
20. Weird House in Alps
21. The Ufo House (Sanjhih, Taiwan)
22. The Hole House (Texas, United States)
23. Ryugyong Hotel (Pyongyang, North Korea)
24. The National Library (Minsk, Belarus)
25. Grand Lisboa (Macao)
26. Wall House (Groningen, Netherlands)
27. Guggenheim Museum (Bilbao, Spain)
28. Bahá’í House of Worship a.k.a Lotus Temple (Delhi, India)
29. Container City (London, UK)
30. Erwin Wurm: House Attack (Viena, Austria)
31. Wooden Gagster House (Archangelsk, Russia)
32. Air Force Academy Chapel (Colorado, United States)
33. Solar Furnace (Odeillo, France)
34. Dome House (Florida, United States)
35. Beijing National Stadium (Beijing, China)
36. Fashion Show Mall (Las Vegas, United States)
37. Luxor Hotel & Casino (Las Vegas, United States)
38. Zenith Europe (Strasbourg, France)
39. Civic Center (Santa Monica)
40. Mammy’s Cupboard (Natchez, MS, United States)
41. Pickle Barrel House (Grand Marais, Michigan, United States)
42. The Egg (Empire State Plaza, Albany, New York, United States)
43. Gherkin Building (London, UK)
44. Nord LB building (Hannover, Germany)
45. Lloyd’s building (London, UK)
46. “Druzhba Holiday Center Hall (Yalta, Ukraine)
47. Fuji television building (Tokyo, Japan)
48. UCSD Geisel Library (San Diego, California, United States)
49. Ripley’s Building (Ontario, Canada)
50. The Bank of Asia a.k.a Robot Building (Bangkok, Thailand)
4. Ferdinand Cheval Palace a.k.a Ideal Palace (France)
5. The Basket Building (Ohio, United States)
The Longaberger Basket Company building in Newark, Ohio might just be a strangest office building in the world. The 180,000-square-foot building, a replica of the company’s famous market basket, cost $30 million and took two years to complete. Many experts tried to persuade Dave Longaberger to alter his plans, but he wanted an exact replica of the real thing.
6. Kansas City Public Library (Missouri, United States)
This project, located in the heart of Kansas City, represents one of the pioneer projects behind the revitalization of downtown. The people of Kansas City were asked to help pick highly influential books that represent Kansas City. Those titles were included as ‘bookbindings’ in the innovative design of the parking garage exterior, to inspire people to utilize the downtown Central Library.
7. Wonderworks (Pigeon Forge, TN, United States)
8. Habitat 67 (Montreal, Canada)
Expo 67, one of the world’s largest universal expositions was held in Montreal. Housing was one of the main themes of Expo 67. The cube is the base, the mean and the finality of Habitat 67. In its material sense, the cube is a symbol of stability. As for its mystic meaning, the cube is symbol of wisdom, truth, moral perfection, at the origin itself of our civilization. 354 cubes of a magnificent grey-beige build up one on the other to form 146 residences nestled between sky and earth, between city and river, between greenery and light.
9. Cubic Houses (Rotterdam, Netherlands)
The original idea of these cubic houses came about in the 1970s. Piet Blom has developed a couple of these cubic houses that were built in Helmond. The city of Rotterdam asked him to design housing on top of a pedestrian bridge and he decided to use the cubic houses idea. The concept behind these houses is that he tries to create a forest by each cube representing an abstract tree; therefore the whole village becomes a forest.
10. Hang Nga Guesthouse a.k.a Crazy House (Vietnam)
The house is owned by the daughter of the ex-president of Vietnam, who studied architecture in Moscow. It does not comply with any convention about house building, has unexpected twists and turns, roofs and rooms. It looks like a fairy tale castle, it has enormous “animals” like a giraffe and a spider, no window is rectangular or round, and it can be visited like a museum.
11. Chapel in the Rock (Arizona, United States)
12. Dancing Building (Prague, Czech Republic)
13. Calakmul building a.k.a La Lavadora a.k.a The Washing Mashine (Mexico, Mexico)
14. Kettle House (Texas, United States)
15. Manchester Civil Justice Centre (Manchester, UK)
16. Nakagin Capsule Tower (Tokyo, Japan)
17. Mind House (Barcelona, Spain)
18. Stone House (Guimarães, Portugal)
19. Shoe House (Pennsylvania, United States)
20. Weird House in Alps
21. The Ufo House (Sanjhih, Taiwan)
22. The Hole House (Texas, United States)
23. Ryugyong Hotel (Pyongyang, North Korea)
24. The National Library (Minsk, Belarus)
25. Grand Lisboa (Macao)
26. Wall House (Groningen, Netherlands)
27. Guggenheim Museum (Bilbao, Spain)
28. Bahá’í House of Worship a.k.a Lotus Temple (Delhi, India)
29. Container City (London, UK)
30. Erwin Wurm: House Attack (Viena, Austria)
31. Wooden Gagster House (Archangelsk, Russia)
32. Air Force Academy Chapel (Colorado, United States)
33. Solar Furnace (Odeillo, France)
34. Dome House (Florida, United States)
35. Beijing National Stadium (Beijing, China)
36. Fashion Show Mall (Las Vegas, United States)
37. Luxor Hotel & Casino (Las Vegas, United States)
38. Zenith Europe (Strasbourg, France)
39. Civic Center (Santa Monica)
40. Mammy’s Cupboard (Natchez, MS, United States)
41. Pickle Barrel House (Grand Marais, Michigan, United States)
42. The Egg (Empire State Plaza, Albany, New York, United States)
43. Gherkin Building (London, UK)
44. Nord LB building (Hannover, Germany)
45. Lloyd’s building (London, UK)
46. “Druzhba Holiday Center Hall (Yalta, Ukraine)
47. Fuji television building (Tokyo, Japan)
48. UCSD Geisel Library (San Diego, California, United States)
49. Ripley’s Building (Ontario, Canada)
50. The Bank of Asia a.k.a Robot Building (Bangkok, Thailand)
Disorder in the Court.
There is a book called Disorder in the Court. These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. Some of these are excellent ...
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the accident?
A: Gucci sweatshirt and Reeboks.
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: By whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere !!!
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