Teacher !

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"

"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."

"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."

"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"

"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."

"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."

"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!"

Thanks Giving !

An old man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about," the son screams."We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man said. "We're sick and tired of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." And he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like heck they're getting a divorce," she shouts. "I'll take care of this."

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and she hangs up.

The old man hangs up the phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving AND paying their own way!"

Papers, How Long to keep.

Investment certificates: Until sold.
Credit card account numbers: Until updated.
Credit card statements: 7-years.
Household inventory: Until updated.
Will: Until updated.
Divorce papers: Forever.
Social Security Card: Forever and do not carry it with you, store it a safe place.
Birth Certificate: Forever.
Vehicle title: Until vehicle is sold.
Mortgage records, R.E. deeds: As long as active.
Contracts: As long as active.
Investment records: 7-years after year of sale.
Income tax records: 7-years.
Bank statements: 7-years.
Cancel checks: 7-years.
Utility bills: 1-year.
Paid bills for flexible expenses: 1-year.

Laws Of Parenting.

1. The later you stay up, the earlier your child will wake up the next morning.
2. For a child to become clean, something else must become dirty.
3. Toys multiply to fill any space available.
4. The longer it takes you to make a meal, the less your child will like it.
5. Yours is always the only child who doesn't behave.
6. If the shoe fits... it's expensive.
7. The surest way to get something done is to tell a child not to do it.
8. The gooier the food, the more likely it is to end up on the carpet.
9. Backing the car out of the driveway causes your child to have to go to the bathroom.

Management theory "thats intelligence".

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his Customer,"This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a five rupee coin in one hand and two one rupee coins(1+1=2) in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"

The boy takes the two one rupee coins and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber.

"That kid never learns!" Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.

"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take two one rupee coins instead of five rupee coin?

"The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because THE DAY I TAKE THE FIVE RUPEE COIN, THE GAME IS OVER .

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Moral: When you think the other person is dumb, you are making a fool of yourself.

Honest Answers In an Interview !

Q1. Why did you apply for this job?

Ans: I have applied for many jobs along with this one and it’s just that you called me first.

Q2. Why do you want to work for this company?

Ans: I have to work for some company, whoever gives me a job, I don't have any specific company in mind.

3. Why should I hire you?

Ans: You have to hire some one, you may give me a try.

4. What would you do if this happened?

Ans: Well, it depends on my mindset and mood in that situation...

5. What is your biggest strength?

Ans: I dare to join any company who pays me well, without thinking about the fate of company. 6. What is your biggest weakness?

Ans: Girls

7. What was your worst mistake and how did you learn from it?

Ans: Joining my earlier company and I learnt that I need to switch my job to get more money, so I am here today.

8. What accomplishments in your last position are you most proud of?

Ans: Had I accomplished any in my last position, why do I need to change my job? I could demand more and stay there.

9. Describe a challenge that you faced and how did you overcome it?

Ans: Biggest challenge is answering the question "why are you looking for a change" and I started blabbering irrelevantly to overcome that.

10. Why did you leave/ are you leaving your last job?

Ans: For the same reason why you left your previous job.

11. What do you want from this job?

Ans: No work and good hikes.

12. What are your career goals and how do you plan to achieve them?

Ans: Making more money and for that I keep switching jobs every two years.

13. What do you know about our company?

Ans: I knew you will ask me this question. So, I've gone through your website.

14. What salary are you expecting?

Ans: Well, no one will change his job for the same salary, hence, give me 20% extra than what I am getting right now. I know you will bargain on whatever I ask. So I have already hiked my current salary by 30%.

Some Nice One Liners........

Here are some nice one liners..:
1. I say no to alcohol, it just doesn't listen.
2. A friend in need is a pest indeed.
3. Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.
4. Work is fine if it doesn't take too much of your time.
5. When everything comes in your way you're in the wrong lane.
6. The light at the end of the tunnel may be an incoming train..
7. Born free, taxed to death.
8. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
9. Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.
10. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
11. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.
12. It's not hard to meet expenses, they are everywhere.
13. I love being a writer... what I can't stand is the paperwork.
14. A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
15. The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.
16. The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.
17. In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?
18. If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?
19. Beat the 5 O'clock rush, leave work at noon!
20. If you can't convince them, confuse them.
21. It's not the fall that kills you. It's the sudden stop at the end.
22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
23. Hot glass looks same as cold glass. - Cunino's Law of Burnt Fingers.
24. The cigarette does the smoking you are just the sucker.
25. Someday is not a day of the week.
26. Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
27. To Err is human, to forgive is not a Company policy.
28. The road to success.... Is always under construction.
29. Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk.

Why the US is in crisis...??? ...... ...!!!!!

An Israeli doctor says, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'

A German doctor says 'That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.

The Russian doctor says 'In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'

An American Texas doctor, not to be outdone, says 'You guys are way behind, we recently took a man with no brains out of Texas, put him in the White House for eight years, and now half the country is looking for work.